Martin Johnson: Some golf pros are a cure for insomnia
Years ago, when the most sophisticated method of communication involved Marconi messing about with iron filings and shouting “hello? hello?” into a tin can, you got most of your golf news from the evening paper. You’d ignore a front page consisting entirely of adverts, skim quickly past the relief of Mafeking tucked away somewhere inside, before finally locating Harry Vardon on the back page taking home £90 for winning the Open at Royal St George’s.
What was so different about the golf reporting in that era is that the reader’s understanding of the event was entirely down to what the newspaper’s golf correspondent had made of it. Harry’s views, along with those of the other top golfers of the day, were rarely, if ever, considered worthy of making the journey from pen to paper, so what the man himself thought of his round remained a mystery to the reader.
Some of the writers were far more famous than the golfers. Such as Bernard Darwin. It was someone like Darwin, or it might even have been Darwin himself, who once penned a memorably dismissive paragraph which went something like: “After 12 holes of this desperately poor match, your correspondent noted that the hour had ticked by to the extent that it was time for afternoon tiffin and gratefully took his leave.”
No post-match interview for Bernard, with quotes from the players. He was getting stuck into a buttered scone and getting ready to write some withering report before attaching it to a pigeon’s leg, or whatever they used back then. So for those reading it back at home, possibly while sitting in a tin bath in front of a coal fire, there were no inverted commas… and absolutely no insight from the golfer himself.
And, on the whole, you’d have to say that it was a pretty big improvement on a modern era in which the quote is king. You know the kind of thing. “I hit it real solid all day, but couldn’t make anything.” “I was a little bit off with my ball-striking today, but kinda hung in there and made a buncha birdies down the stretch.”
The fact that the player’s account of events doesn’t always enhance the story is true of all sports, but somehow golfers have the ability to drone on so drearily that if their Press conferences could be distilled, bottled and placed behind a counter at Boots, insomnia would be eradicated overnight.
You can dip into any of these interviews, which is what I did when sticking a metaphorical pin into the Press conferences from the Waste Management Phoenix Open earlier this season and coming up with Bubba Watson. However, before recounting some of the potted highlights, I’d strongly advise availing yourself of a pot of strong coffee and a couple of matchsticks for keeping the eyelids from closing.
Q: Yesterday you said you needed to get the putter to cooperate.
WATSON: Yeah, you know, a couple of shots here and there. You know, 17 three-putted but I had, I don’t know, an 80 footer. So that’s a tough two-putt for birdie. And then the par 5. I didn’t hit my tee shot well enough to have a chance to go for that green on – what hole was that? 15. So all in all, it was a great day.
Q: Birdie at 13 gets you into a tie for the lead.
WATSON: Yeah, we had 253 I think is what my caddie said, 3-iron, and I flew it all the way to the hole. I didn’t expect to fly it all the way to the hole, but it did. Another thing, I hit a great shot in there. Just missed the putt. Hit a pretty good putt there, easy birdie. But again, like I said, really nothing after that. I really couldn’t get any good birdie chances.
Q: Are you enjoying golf more than you ever have?
WATSON When you look at it, it’s just a sport. We play a great game. I’m blessed. I have won a few times, won a couple of Majors. I’m blessed to do this. It’s fun.
Q: You must be pretty happy with your own game.
BUBBA WATSON: Yeah, for sure. I haven’t played that much in the last few months, but I know I’m working on the right things. My attitude is in the right spot. My mental game is in the right spot. It’s looking good.
Congratulations to all those who made it through to the end of that. I could have given you more, but there must be some kind of journalistic code which states you can only inflict so much suffering on a reader, so better to use the remaining space with rare examples of Press conferences turning out to be entertaining.
My personal favourite involved Eduardo Romero at a tournament in America, when one of the local journalists had got wind of the fact that back home in Argentina, Romero’s feline-like gait had earned him the nickname of El Gato.
However, the representative of the Rocky Mountain Bugle – or some such publication – mistook “gato” for “gateau” and there was a pretty puzzled looking Argentinian when a voice asked: “Hey, Eduardo. Why’d they call you the cake?”
Press conference attendances tend to vary depending on the golfer. Hence, at an Open Championship for example, the media tent Tannoy will crackle into life and a voice will say: “Retief Goosen is now in the interview room.” And no-one will move. At least not very fast, and not without the accompaniment of a weary groan.
Five minutes later, another message. “Colin Montgomerie is now in the interview room.” Cue human stampede, and the kind of crush inside you’ve only seen before on a Jubilee Line tube at rush hour, or a 1960s Beatles concert.
A less humane body than the R&A would have employed water cannon.
The reason being that there is not a subject that’s off the menu when Monty comes into the tent. Want to know more about Jeremy Corbyn? Global warming? The whereabouts of Lord Lucan? You could try Google, but it’s nowhere near as entertaining. Especially if he’s finished his round with a double bogey. No doubt about it.
Half an hour of Bubba and you’d seriously consider opening a major artery.
But when it comes to Monty, even Bernard Darwin would have turned up with his notebook.
Tagged Bernard Darwin, Bubba Watson, Golf commentary, Martin Johnson
Martin Johnson: Some golf pros are a cure for insomnia
Years ago, when the most sophisticated method of communication involved Marconi messing about with iron filings and shouting “hello? hello?” into a tin can, you got most of your golf news from the evening paper. You’d ignore a front page consisting entirely of adverts, skim quickly past the relief of Mafeking tucked away somewhere inside, before finally locating Harry Vardon on the back page taking home £90 for winning the Open at Royal St George’s.
What was so different about the golf reporting in that era is that the reader’s understanding of the event was entirely down to what the newspaper’s golf correspondent had made of it. Harry’s views, along with those of the other top golfers of the day, were rarely, if ever, considered worthy of making the journey from pen to paper, so what the man himself thought of his round remained a mystery to the reader.
Some of the writers were far more famous than the golfers. Such as Bernard Darwin. It was someone like Darwin, or it might even have been Darwin himself, who once penned a memorably dismissive paragraph which went something like: “After 12 holes of this desperately poor match, your correspondent noted that the hour had ticked by to the extent that it was time for afternoon tiffin and gratefully took his leave.”
No post-match interview for Bernard, with quotes from the players. He was getting stuck into a buttered scone and getting ready to write some withering report before attaching it to a pigeon’s leg, or whatever they used back then. So for those reading it back at home, possibly while sitting in a tin bath in front of a coal fire, there were no inverted commas… and absolutely no insight from the golfer himself.
And, on the whole, you’d have to say that it was a pretty big improvement on a modern era in which the quote is king. You know the kind of thing. “I hit it real solid all day, but couldn’t make anything.” “I was a little bit off with my ball-striking today, but kinda hung in there and made a buncha birdies down the stretch.”
The fact that the player’s account of events doesn’t always enhance the story is true of all sports, but somehow golfers have the ability to drone on so drearily that if their Press conferences could be distilled, bottled and placed behind a counter at Boots, insomnia would be eradicated overnight.
You can dip into any of these interviews, which is what I did when sticking a metaphorical pin into the Press conferences from the Waste Management Phoenix Open earlier this season and coming up with Bubba Watson. However, before recounting some of the potted highlights, I’d strongly advise availing yourself of a pot of strong coffee and a couple of matchsticks for keeping the eyelids from closing.
Q: Yesterday you said you needed to get the putter to cooperate.
WATSON: Yeah, you know, a couple of shots here and there. You know, 17 three-putted but I had, I don’t know, an 80 footer. So that’s a tough two-putt for birdie. And then the par 5. I didn’t hit my tee shot well enough to have a chance to go for that green on – what hole was that? 15. So all in all, it was a great day.
Q: Birdie at 13 gets you into a tie for the lead.
WATSON: Yeah, we had 253 I think is what my caddie said, 3-iron, and I flew it all the way to the hole. I didn’t expect to fly it all the way to the hole, but it did. Another thing, I hit a great shot in there. Just missed the putt. Hit a pretty good putt there, easy birdie. But again, like I said, really nothing after that. I really couldn’t get any good birdie chances.
Q: Are you enjoying golf more than you ever have?
WATSON When you look at it, it’s just a sport. We play a great game. I’m blessed. I have won a few times, won a couple of Majors. I’m blessed to do this. It’s fun.
Q: You must be pretty happy with your own game.
BUBBA WATSON: Yeah, for sure. I haven’t played that much in the last few months, but I know I’m working on the right things. My attitude is in the right spot. My mental game is in the right spot. It’s looking good.
Congratulations to all those who made it through to the end of that. I could have given you more, but there must be some kind of journalistic code which states you can only inflict so much suffering on a reader, so better to use the remaining space with rare examples of Press conferences turning out to be entertaining.
My personal favourite involved Eduardo Romero at a tournament in America, when one of the local journalists had got wind of the fact that back home in Argentina, Romero’s feline-like gait had earned him the nickname of El Gato.
However, the representative of the Rocky Mountain Bugle – or some such publication – mistook “gato” for “gateau” and there was a pretty puzzled looking Argentinian when a voice asked: “Hey, Eduardo. Why’d they call you the cake?”
Press conference attendances tend to vary depending on the golfer. Hence, at an Open Championship for example, the media tent Tannoy will crackle into life and a voice will say: “Retief Goosen is now in the interview room.” And no-one will move. At least not very fast, and not without the accompaniment of a weary groan.
Five minutes later, another message. “Colin Montgomerie is now in the interview room.” Cue human stampede, and the kind of crush inside you’ve only seen before on a Jubilee Line tube at rush hour, or a 1960s Beatles concert.
A less humane body than the R&A would have employed water cannon.
The reason being that there is not a subject that’s off the menu when Monty comes into the tent. Want to know more about Jeremy Corbyn? Global warming? The whereabouts of Lord Lucan? You could try Google, but it’s nowhere near as entertaining. Especially if he’s finished his round with a double bogey. No doubt about it.
Half an hour of Bubba and you’d seriously consider opening a major artery.
But when it comes to Monty, even Bernard Darwin would have turned up with his notebook.
Tagged Bernard Darwin, Bubba Watson, Golf commentary, Martin Johnson