Johnson column: Lacking talent? Go buy something expensive

By Martin Johnson

Not everyone making the transition from infant to adult manages to break their emotional bond to Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, and it would come as no surprise to me if the majority of those people who still persist in leaving a mince pie and a glass of sherry on the kitchen table before turning in on Christmas Eve, or nod off in the belief that the molar they’ve slipped under the pillow will have magically become a pound coin by the morning, happen to be golfers.

There is no creature on the planet more gullible than your average golfer. Apart, perhaps, from your below-average golfer. The “I’ll try anything” disease can strike anyone, but it’s the high handicapper who’s particularly susceptible to a visit from that chap with the horns and the trident, whispering things like: “Sign up with me and I’ll have you down to single fingers before I can say: ‘You’re the man!’”

Not so long ago, playing in some midweek Stableford, balls were being compared on the first tee for ID purposes, when one of my playing partners said: “Aha, so you’re playing a Srixon Soft Feel as well. Brilliant aren’t they? Especially round the greens when you need a bit of extra spin. Where d’you get yours? The Pro Shop? American Golf? ”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’d found it in the rough the previous week, or that my spare ball, a Calloway, was ready for the inevitable early provisional only because it was a Christmas present, because there’s nothing so mean as puncturing the enthusiasm of a golfer who believes that the blurb on his box of balls – “low compression, new improved 344 speed dimple pattern” –  in some way represents a guarantee that if only Open qualifying was next week instead of last, you’d be up among the favourites at Troon.

Which is why I also refrained from pointing out, as his wedge shot approach to the 7th very nearly knee-capped some unsuspecting member of the group putting out on the 15th, that when that lurch you call a swing results in the shot known as a ‘knife’,  it doesn’t really matter whether you’re playing with a soft feel, stat-of-the-art, top-of-the-range, dimple patterned, very expensive leading brand name projectile, or a hard-boiled egg.

However, you will never prevent your average golfer from believing that if you’ve not been lucky enough to be born with a talent for the game, you can simply go out and buy it. I once played a round with the marketing manager of a well-known club manufacturer that had just brought out a “revolutionary” (aren’t they all?) new driver, retailing for £299.99. And when I asked him at what price it could be sold for a profit, he replied: “About 40 quid.” Quickly adding: “But if we did, people would think it was rubbish.”

That’s golf for you. The only game in which the makers have to raise their prices to make a sale, rather than lower them.

Let’s say, for example, you’re a hopeless putter. Well, for the modest sum of US$44.95 (Amazon) you can buy ‘The Putter Pointer’, a gadget which looks as though it might have cost all of US 50c to make, and never miss another putt again. It’s a bit of metal which you screw onto your putter shaft, and it points to where the hole is. A must for anyone who has forgotten their contact lenses, or just lurched onto the first tee after consuming 12 pints of Old Rottweiller in the members’ bar.

And just imagine how brilliant a putter you can become if you combine this, for an equally giveaway price, with the ‘Strackaline Green Reading Course’ (strackaline.com US$89). “Learn to Read Greens In Less Than One Hour”, is the promise, which I immediately thought would be a handy present to get Jordan Spieth for his next birthday. However, on closer inspection I discovered that it’s not actually a series of tips to help you take less than 60 minutes to play your shot, but a one-hour video to watch before you go out to play.

It’s all about water apparently, which is something – come on now admit it – I’ll wager you’d never considered while crouching over a tricky four footer. However, the message from the Strackaline people is this. “Every green has to be built to allow water to drain off it, and once you understand how the water will drain you will understand how your ball will roll.” Brilliant. Especially if you’re putting in a thunderstorm.

However, it’s not much use being a top-class putter if you can’t get on the green for less than half a dozen, which is where the ‘Golf Swing Shirt’ comes in. Don’t be put off by the slightly odd asking price of £96.10, it comes with free delivery. Or be doubtful about wearing something that looks like its other use is for restraining violent inmates. It’s endorsed by none other than Padraig Harrington, a man so dedicated to detail, he once experimented with altering his tongue position on the downswing.

Personally, if I was asked to pose for photos wearing a shirt claiming that its “structure and proprietary compression fabric immediately instills connection and muscle memory”, I’d also experiment with my tongue position. Largely by moving it into my cheek.

Then there’s the ‘Garmin S20 Watch And Trueswing Golf Swing Sensor Bundle’, which might look expensive at £299.99, but which does far more than tell you how far it is to that nasty bunker in the middle of the fairway. It also offers “at a glance” info on your “tempo, speed, club path measurement” and – get this – how many calories you’ve burned during your round.

Just think. No more agonising over what you’ll have to drink at the 19th. A fattening pint? Or a slimline tonic? Just take a glance at your Garmin S20, and it will tell you. Surprisingly, it doesn’t boil an egg, but if it did, you’d immediately know how many calories were in it.

So, having read all this, I expect you to go out and buy a new pair of trousers – to allow for the shrinking waistline – and start nipping it round in the low 60s. Oh, and don’t forget Santa’s mince pie this Christmas.

Tagged Martin Johnson