Paul Mahoney: Trump’s making a mockery of the game we all love

by Paul Mahoney

Donald Trump, POTUS – President of The United States. Don’t look so shocked. It could happen – and as soon as next year.

He could get new business cards printed. On the back it could say, you know, just because he has such a self-deprecating sense of humour, ‘Donald Trump, POTUS – Pompous Oligarch Talking Utter Shambles.’ There is another ‘Sh-word’ that could have been used there instead. The address would read: ‘Trump White House, Washington DC, Trump USA.’

Can’t imagine Trump as a world leader? Try thinking of Colin Montgomerie as Prime Minister. As much as the latter sounds like it might be a giggle, the former might actually happen, and it’s no laughing matter. Trump might not be popular among the Mexicans (especially now that he’s labelled them thieves and rapists, which was charming), but he’s all the rage among the Poles. Well, he’s going to have to replace all the Mexicans who no longer feel comfortable working at his country clubs. Ah, wait; it’s the polls, not the Poles. Sorry. The national polls have him number one in the race to be the Republican candidate in the Presidential elections.

“A poll came out two days ago where I am number one with the Hispanics,” Trump added. He’s also number one with his family and himself. Definitely himself. No poll required.

POTUS – Political Orations Translate Universally Stupid

There are two important ‘Never’ rules. Never trust a billionaire businessman who wants to become a politician. Never trust a golfer who won’t tell you his handicap. The stinking-rich Trump has at one time claimed to be a scratch golfer. A handicap presumably gained at the same club where the former North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il shot 38 under par, including 11 holes-in-one during his first ever game of golf (for more, turn to page 11). Forbes magazine once reported that Trump claimed a handicap of four, although they could not uncover a single signed scorecard. Trump told Golf Magazine in New York: “I’m about a four.” About? Handicaps are not estimates. So Trump is about 50 years of age. He’s actually 69.

Trump has spent millions of dollars buying up golf clubs and renovating them in his image. He’s fond of a column, a fountain and an enormous flag. He’s a country club Caesar who shouts that his empire is good for golf. No it isn’t. It’s good for making him money and for publicising the Trump brand. He’s not saving the game. Or growing it. He doesn’t even want your children, or ordinary people, playing golf. “I think I’m in a minority, but I feel differently about golf,” he told Golf Magazine. “I feel golf should be something people aspire to as opposed to widespread. It may be elitist and, perhaps, that’s what golf needs,” he said. “Let golf be elitist. Let people work hard and aspire to some day be able to play golf. To afford to play it. They’re trying to teach golf to people who will never be able to really play it,” he said. “Let it be aspirational instead of bringing it down by trying to get players to do it when they’re 15-years-old and they’re also learning other sports. I think it’s very damaging to the game.” This from a man who claims to love golf.

POTUS – Potty Overview Towards Unbelievable Sport

When Trump made his embarrassing and disrespectful entrance in his Air Farce One helicopter at the Women’s British Open at Turnberry, he was asked what he thought Lizette Salas, the World No.29, would make of his disparaging comments about Mexicans. Salas is the daughter of Mexican immigrants. “Never heard of her,” Trump said. This from a man who claims to be a golf fan. Salas represented the USA in the Solheim Cup. Dubliner Padraig Harrington, who Trump may like to know has represented Europe against the USA in the Ryder Cup, slammed the tycoon at the Scottish Open. “In a different time in history, the word ‘Irish’ could have been in the remark in place of ‘Mexicans’ bringing trouble to a country with their fighting, drinking and whatever,” Harrington said. “It’s easy to blame immigrants for trouble, but then one bad egg should not colour a whole nation of people. So as a nation of immigrants, how do you think the people of Ireland feel in hearing his remarks?”

There’s no dismissing Harrington, a three-time Major champion. Trump didn’t know who Salas was and probably thinks Inbee Park is a golf course he can buy. But he sure knows who Olivia Jordan is. She’s Miss USA. He follows her on Twitter. He’s quite a hit with the ladies. He runs the Miss Universe pageant. “Women have always liked me,” Trump once said. All of which reminds you of Mrs Merton’s interview with Debbie McGee. “What first attracted you to the millionaire, Paul Daniels?”

A bagpiper announced Trump’s arrival at Turnberry. A windbag. “Everybody has asked me to be here. The world has asked me to be here,” he said with no regard to how silly he sounded. His skin is thicker than the layer of lacquer that keeps his hair from escaping like tumbleweed. “I expect to be President,” he said.

POTUS – Preposterous Overtures Tossed Up Seriously

Donald was wearing a red baseball cap at Turnberry. Printed on it was his campaign slogan: “Make America Grate Again.”

Tagged Donald Trump, Paul Mahoney, Trump, Women's British Open